Guest Editorial: "In My Dreams, I Have a Hetero-Lesbian Crush on Hillary Clinton" by Tara Murtha
I can't stop picturing Hillary in a vest, thick steel rainbow rings snug to her neck, khaki cut-off fringe gently brushing her knees as she swishes to and fro class with me, carrying my copy of Thus Spoke Zarathustra.
This is true, though it's totally not why I voted for her in the PA primary. I work in a liberal office. Most random questions are of "'Is mummified-as-a-dog's-dick' hyphenated when used as an adjective?" ilk. (The answer is yes.) Being the lone Hillary lighthouse in a storm of Obama support is no news to me.
Thing is, isn't Obama kind of like the thinking man's Bush? A lot of the Obama supporters I know this time around who were naturally disgusted when W was (sort of) elected have the same answer: they like his attitude. That's what the red-staters said about Bush, remember? They liked his can-do folksy wisdom and us liberals smirked our way into a whole new genre of hatriot humor.
And now, when you ask many Obama supporters why they like Obama, they say...
Basically the same thing. (Albeit without spinning their spurs, firing pistols in the air and letting out big ol' rebel yells.)
Weird.
Anyway, I fooled around with (supporting) Hillary in college. Everyone said: It's just college, you're just experimenting! But it stuck. I saw her speak in '96, and she told me (with her eyeballs) that she was putting up with this Lewinsky shit because she knows she can't get into the White House without the experience. Only 12 years of my life passed doing menial jobs and regretting studying liberal arts and ta-da: Here we are!
Obama's cool, but my man should wait his turn. Heart-ons for Hillary have been beating too long to stop now!
Tara Murtha is a Philadelphia-based writer of nonfiction and anti-establishment embellishment. She’s A&E Editor at Philadelphia Weekly. Her soapbox is both collapsible and portable.
(Ed: This is the first in a new series of guest editorials on Indecision 2008. The idea is to mine the wisdom of interesting and intelligent writers from other corners of the media to better portray how Americans are viewing this election cycle. If you think you might have an interesting take that we'd be interested in, contact us.)
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I was going to say something profound but I got distracted. Must be the I heart Jon Stewart club I heard about.
How about this: Go Fuck Sadie.
She’ll get hers yet. However big you think you are.
She’s made a fool of everyone.
I do admire the girl/girl vision, however, she is now officialy The Maharishi (Sexy Sadie) back stabbing c–t. I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to use the word, “the.”
http://sgtpepperpolitics.blogspot.com/
Short version: I like Obama's attitude.
No, no...for realsies. I think this is a much more compelling election season than '04, mostly because there are three candidates who all have a positive (albeit different) vision for this country's future. Hillary Clinton is a worthy opponent, and she's really turned this into a race (or wait a minute, it's actually the other way around, no?).
It was her race to lose a while back, and somehow it slipped through her fingers, like so many grains of sand. And that's not to her detriment. Speaking solely from a subjective point of view, I agree with Obama's politics. I took a quiz once and the quiz told me that of all the presidential candidates - and this was back in the days when Kucinich was still invited to primaries - Obama and I would be like 88% best buds (and this was an online quiz, so I really doubt it would lie to me). I agree with his stance on most issues, and I think he's tremendously diplomatic about the way he approaches people/issues/controversy.
Like it or not, a big part of the job has to do with your ability to deal effectively with other politicians, diplomats, and world leaders (and your ability to initiate change). Obama has that. Not saying Hillary Clinton doesn't. Just my opinion that Obama has demonstrated time and again his ability to court controversy and stay focused on the right things. He's a stand-up guy, and he's intelligent enough to understand all the angles. Again, not saying Hillary Clinton isn't. In fact, she's super-qualified, which is all the more reason this race is so tight. There are two people up there who actually know what they're doing. But when I think of Hillary Clinton I think, "Now there's someone who's courage and determination I really admire." When I think of Obama I think, "Now there's the next great President of these United States."
His campaign and metoric rise to fame remind me a lot of Bill Clinton in '92, quite frankly. And that's a very good thing.
This is really well written by the way. And I support your argument. Who wouldn't want Hillary Clinton to carry their books?
But in the end, what can I say? I kind of like Obama's attitude.
http://crawdaddy.wolfgangsvault.com/Article.aspx?id=5910
I dunno...I really am turned on by the idea of Hillary in a vest more than Obama. It's just me, though
Hillary would actually not be so bad [I mean she has to learn not to lie c'mon] if Bill were out of thepciture - he has an issue with subconsciously sabotaging her campaign.
BTW my dog objects to the reference about his dick.
I've got a crush on Chelsea but will vote for Obama. She is fair game and actually of all the Clintons, she was the best.
My reason for voting Obama? Neil Diamond baby. Sweet Caroline. Since Neil admitted the song was a creepy reference to Caroline Kennedy in her pre-teen years, I knew he was a man of high intellect for admitting as much.
Therefore, Sweet Caroline's Op-Ed pushed me over the top. In the 30 something generation I dwell in, Obama is the first politician to fire me up unlike any other before. During the 2004 DNC, I knew it. Sometimes you can see that spark and at the time, while working for Kerry (yikes), I wondered, why can't this dude be prez? Caroline articulated that which I had been thinking. He reminds me of what I missed. Camelot. Or the potential for such. Caroline's beautiful piece can not be taken lightly. Obama reminds her of her father (and Bobby). That's the only endorsement I need.
How's that for a reason fake fuzz bumper?
Hot pic of Hillary (Prudence). I found a really hot pic of her you can find in cyberprint in the "article," I Want You (She's So Heavy) at:
http://sgtpepperpolitics.blogspot.com/
I have to say I whole heartedly agree with her about Obama supporters sounding just like Bush Jr. supporters in 2000. However, I have to disagree with her about it being “Hillary’s turn.” This is not an aristocracy where someone becomes President because they “deserve it” or because it is “their turn.” The Presidency is EARNED by running the most effective campaign. Hillary has not EARNED it.
Obama Doomsday Scenario Contest Results!
Yesterday, Trailhead invited readers to imagine what would have to happen for Barack Obama to lose the Democratic nomination. And boy did you respond. You, dear readers, are a motley assortment of creative and disturbed geniuses.
Scenarios tended to fall into a few categories: embarrassing revelations, major screw-ups, Clinton ex machinas, and unfortunate occurrences. Others involved Obama turning out to be someone—or something—other than himself, such as the Rev. Jeremiah Wright (“note that you never see the Rev. & Obama in the same place!”), “the smoke monster from Lost,” Dennis Kucinich in disguise, and John McCain’s illegitimate black child. Several other scenarios involved zombie attacks and alien invasions. Yet another described a heinous Aristocrats-like stage performance by the Obama family.
We can’t possibly share them all, but here’s a sampling organized by category. Winners are at the bottom.
Embarrassing revelations:
Obama is actually 34 years old, too young to be president.—Marc Sylvestre
Video surfaces of Obama at that Rev. Wright “God Damn America” sermon that he claims he didn't attend, especially if the video shows him applauding that statement.—Brian Weber
Obama photographed raising pinky while sipping latte!—Benjamin Clark
Customs agents find one of Natalee Holloway's “Carlos ’n Charlie's Aruba” T-shirts in his luggage.—Tom Grayman
Obama’s opening his mail while being interviewed by Bill O’Reilly. He drops a Hallmark card. O’Reilly helpfully picks it up for him and reads the inscription: “Barack: Thanks for the visa! See you soon! Your BFF, Nadhmi.”—Boyd Reed
Pictures of an 8-year-old Obama in his local neighborhood bomb-making class with William Ayers and other Weather Undergrounders.—Jen Geiger
The Drudge Report uncovers shocking photographic evidence that Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden were actually college roommates. … They depict Bin Laden doing keg stands while Obama stands to the side holding his turban and counting in Arabic.—Rudy Santelises
He shot Alexander Hamilton. And there's video.—Andrew Rice
Reader Mark Schondorf submits a whole list of shocking twists, including: “Hillary summons a Kraken”; “Obama was a ghost THE WHOLE TIME!!!”; “Hillary goes back in time to kill Obama’s mother”; “Hillary wins because, as it turns out, she's Keyser Söze”; and “Unbelievably, the aliens are afraid of water.”
Major screw-ups:
Obama confesses that the blackout “ending” of the series finale of The Sopranos was his idea.—Scott Schiefelbein
The only way that Obama could possibly lose the nomination is if video of him punching a baby surfaced.—Nick Wilhelmy
There is only one unforgivable crime in America … dogfighting.—Tom Bianchi
The reason he doesn't believe the government created AIDS is because he did.—Shane Mehling
Clinton ex machina:
The best scenario for Hillary is to run as John McCain’s running mate. And for McCain to die.—Dea Henrich [So Obama would still be the nominee, but we had to include.—Ed.]
The Clinton campaign digs up records in the National Archives proving that Hawaii was not a state at the time of Obama's birth, thereby making him ineligible.—Pamela Belyn
Bill Clinton starts campaigning on his behalf before June 3.—Eric Samuels
Hillary sheds two tears.—Jon Cowan
Unfortunate occurrences:
Obama will need to be photographed windsurfing … and then get eaten by a shark.—Stephen Defibaugh
Obama, trying to fit in with the Oregon locals, goes on a white-water rafting tour arranged by Lanny Davis Excursions.—Boyd Reed
Hillary invites Barack to her home in Chappaqua to talk about ending the race. The visit eerily resembles the movie Misery.—Boyd Reed
The winners: The best submissions managed to make a concise joke, summarize all of Obama’s vulnerabilities at once, or vividly capture the mind-bending paucity of Clinton’s odds of survival. Here are three that did the job:
3rd place: Hillary appeals to the Supreme Court, which, based upon a 2000 ruling, decides that the candidate with fewer votes wins the election.—John Kirkbride
2nd place: Hillary Clinton must parachute into Pakistan while under heavy sniper fire, infiltrate al-Qaida using a fake beard, putty nose, and duct tape, and capture Osama Bin Laden, whilst singing the “Star Spangled Banner” with one hand over her heart and an American flag lapel pin prominently shown on her outfit. She must film all of this in HD and create a montage scored to Lee Greenwood's “God Bless the U.S.A.” Meanwhile, Barack Obama must publicly convert to Islam and change his name to Osama Hafez al-Mohammed Hussein Ayatollah Obama, while burning an American flag in the Crystal Cathedral as he replaces the crucifix with a do-it-yourself Piss Christ, while performing an abortion on the exhumed body of Terri Schiavo. He should also be naked. It should then rain frogs. That ought to do it.—Jason in San Diego
1st place: One of the lesser-known consequences of quantum physics is an event called “quantum tunneling.” Here's how it happens: At a campaign stop in West Virgina, completely out of the blue, the aggregate wave functions of all the particles in Barack Obama's body end up instantaneously transporting him through the entire Earth and leaving him treading water somewhere in the Indian Ocean, or leaving his various particles scattered inside the mantle. The odds of this occurring are such that any macroscopic object tunneling through any barrier is highly unlikely in the lifespan of the universe, but it could occur!—Michael Blessington
Thank you for the submissions. You heard them here first!
Published Thursday, May 08, 2008 2:48 PM by Christopher Beam
http://www.slate.com/blogs/blogs/trailhead/archive/2008/05/08/obama-doomsday-scenario-contest-results.aspx