Rasmussen: Screw This Noise! Let's Just Say Barack Obama Won
You and me and pretty much everybody else in the world aren't the only ones who feel beaten down and tired out by this never-ending Democratic primary.
The polling firm Rasmussen Reports has just announced that it's fed the shit up with all this bullfuck, and -- as far as it's concerned -- Barack Obama is the winner and fuck off...
...while Senator Clinton has remained close and competitive in every meaningful measure, she is a close second and the race is over. It has become clear that Barack Obama will be the Democratic nominee...
With this in mind, Rasmussen Reports will soon end our daily tracking of the Democratic race and focus exclusively on the general election competition between Republican John McCain and Democrat Barack Obama. Barring something totally unforeseen, that is the choice American voters will have before them in November.
Something totally unforeseen like... alligators who fly UFOs that are powered by AIDS? If something like that suddenly became an issue in the primary elections for some reason, then, I think, maybe Hillary Clinton could still have a chance.
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1. First rule of comedy: paragraph structure.
Rasmussen family members were tired of getting the phone calls.
Kio and Silent Cal, congratulations on completing chapter one: Sarcasm, you two are now ready to take it on the road.
No Easter Bunny? Man, this is worse than when I found out Al Roker wasn't made of cheese.
Holy Crap! You mean to tell me that the Daily Show and the Colbert Report are Comedy Shows? This is worse than when I found out there was no Easter Bunny!
BeeChesGetSheetDone ••• You are blaming a comedy show for being biased? Your standards are... well never mind. Perhaps Hillary gets more sniper fire from the Daily Show because she presents such an easy target by saying and doing so much stupid shit.
Ah, tiny pirate pants... well I see. Maybe more pentathol and less exlax next time? (You were really scaring the straights there at the end.) Alas, it is done. I shall sheath the sword and speak no further lest I reveal too much. The prophecy has been inverted, it still points to the west though (the funnel shaped end of the prophecy). Do not despair, I still serve the King, he needs me... I go forth... and do his bidding for there are many tasks still to be done. The time will soon be at hand once again to serve the King... I shall clock in and serve his burgers and not forget to ask if the good people want fries or onion rings with their orders. PS. Is Brenda gonna make you work a double shift?
Noooooooooo, i'm not that silly you wrong-thing sayer you. I do have a mark, and I am hitting it. And I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts. I just like to dress up in a mask and tiny pirate pants and run around harassing people with my "sword" from time to time. Nor am I left-handed.
And furthermore, it is not a stretch to say that Wolverine is Jesus Christ. The exact same artistic conflict occurs regarding the wrist and palms. The modern depictions of Jesus with the wound through the palms are incorrect. The flesh and tendons in the palms gives way if you try to suspend a body that way. You have to go through the wrist. Which they did. That's how he was crucified. Further evidence that Thomas's insistence on seeing his hands is, well, served a purpose anyway. Now, Wolverine 's claws are about the same length as the nails used, that is where they would be were they still in his hands as the modern artistic depictions have it and being used as weapons as his executors taunted "come down and prove". Out of thousands of characters, he's the only one who is not invincible, yet is truly invincible. He can be harmed, yet he can heal ("forgive the evidence of the harm") All of the others, can either not be harmed at all, or are dead when they are. Ahem, the conflict is that those claws won't work as they are depicted. They can not be retractable while he is still able to rotate his hand at the wrist freely as he is shown doing many times claws half in or out, being retracted from fully extended with a bent wrist into the gut of an unforgiven, and then retracted immediately completely into the forearm without straightening the wrist and yet the blades do not continue out the bent juncture at the wrist as they would if this prolific depiction was meant to be anything other than the divine guide-post that it is for which all humans owe Stan Lee-living conduit to our truly superior officers, sexual favors and money. I suppose that has to go for Todd Macfarlane too, who finished the job.
Ok kids let this be a lesson to you... Sodium Pentathol and ExLax shots may sound like a fun thing to do... but you could end up like TheDreadIrateRoberts.
Dread Irate Roberts ••• You my biscuit won't rewind these stubborn stains with your fabric brighteners alone! Every smoothness cries out for a lump, I break the surface... mediocrity be damned!!! Yes they cried foul the masses the drones for relief from the cheap plastic lounge chairs of America's patio... we they and you alone will be the ones who have our say by twos and fours and sometimes sixes but never in odd numbers except where we speak alone which would be odd in more ways than one. This we shall see will start lawnmowers with just a single pull and events so improbable as this shall continue unabated spiraling us into a complacency never before seen or imagined by Murphy and his minions and they will weep at the loss of inevitable misfortune and woe because the Utopia we will find will be as bland and boring as pressed khaki slack on stoic mannequins... motionless in our increasingly diminishing imaginations... that slowly disappear like long forgotten vegetables in a bachelor's lettuce crisper! Do not say I did not try to not warn humanity!