September 26th at 5:27PM

John McCain: Can't Debate Tonight, Must Save Child From Giant Lizard

POSTED BY: Dennis DiClaudio

John McCain's having a really busy couple of days. After already canceling tonight's debate twice -- once to fix the U.S. economy with his bare hands and then to save a poor little kitten stuck in a tree -- he's just been forced to cancel the debate again!

This time -- according to my super-secret inside sources -- it's because he just received news by carrier pigeon that some 12-year-old kid in DesMoines, Iowa is having trouble completing his homework assignment on dinosaurs. So, obviously, he was forced to summon a giant falcon from the heavens to carry him across the country in its talons.

So, sorry, guys. No debate tonight. But you wouldn't want Petey Brescher to get a failing grade, would you?

Update: Crisis averted!

My sources tell me that once McCain eyeballed that he was directly over the Breschers' DesMoines home, he wrenched his way from the giant falcon's grasp and freefell 33 miles through the troposphere before out-turning his suit jacket to use as a parachute.

He drifted safely into the family's chimney, lept from the fireplace and dashed into Petey's bedroom, where the grade-schooler was scratching his head, trying to make sense of the difference between a brontosaurus and an apatosaurus.

McCain explained to the boy that the two are actually the same pre-historic species, just having undergone a name-change in the past few years.

However, only moments later -- while teaching the boy the proper way to hold a football -- McCain's ultra-sensitive nose detected trace amounts of carbon monoxide in the air. So, he inhaled as hard as he could and sucked all of the hazardous air out of the house and blew it into the face of two masked burglars who happened to be breaking in to murder the family at that very moment.

Having no time to collect the family's appreciation, he warped space with his mind and made his way to the debate in Mississippi.

So, the debate's back on!

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4 Comments

  1. Sarah Palin says she knows all about foreign policy because she is so close to Russia. Will someone for God's sake put that woman close to an ATM so she will know all about our economy. The power of osmosis is great in that one. Maybe Sarah Beehive can save the economy like she did Alaska and the governor to nowhere.

    by Longriders September 29th at 4:15PM
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  2. Ha! I'd say "you can't make this stuff up." And after the last couple weeks of Republican "campaigning", I'd be right.

    by parbar September 26th at 5:56PM
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  3. "A" Amtrack? "In the tank"?

    by Bob D September 26th at 5:52PM
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  4. You liberal hacks, why don't you report the real story of how McCain saved a Amtrack train full of passengers by replacing a missing rail with his own body? You guys are just in the tank with Obama.

    by Bob L September 26th at 5:37PM
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