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November 3rd at 4:50PM

The Election Day/Night "What Now?" Game

POSTED BY: Karen Lurie and Eric March and Dustin Chinn

Are you gearing up for a looooong Election Night? Got the toothpicks ready to hold your eyelids open and the ol' faithful meth lab cranking?

Well, you might have to face the fact that the evening might not go the way you're planning. This election might get all kinds of...called at a decent hour.

Are you prepared for that? What will you do with yourself? What do you need to start putting your life back together again after 16 months of intense obsessive obsesso-intensity?

Here, let us help you get started:

* Take a shower.

* Shave the beard you promised you'd grow until your candidate was elected. If your candidate wasn't elected, shave it anyway. You look foolish.

* Go grocery shopping. Make sure to sock up on plenty of superfoods and whole grains.

* Drink a glass of wine for heart health.

* Drink three more glasses of wine to kill the brain cells responsible for holding onto names like "Megyn Kelly" and "Tucker Bounds".

* Catch up on The Wire, Lost, 24, Battlestar Gallactica, Big Love, 30 Rock, Dexter, The Office, House, Entourage, Six Feet Under, The Venture Brothers and Weeds.

* Finish that screenplay about the enterprising young blog reader caught up in national intrigue.

* Put your losing candidate election gear in your irony box.

* Tuck your kids into bed. Call your secret wife and tell her to tuck your secret kids into bed too.

* Celebrate democracy by dipping into your illegal Fourth of July fireworks stash and blowing shit up.

* Don't get complacent. The battle for Pierce County clerk between kindergarten teacher Liddy Smeagol and entrenched incumbent Betty Hornel is still too close to call. Isn't time to restore good handwriting to Tacoma once and for all? GOTV! GOTV!

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LAST COMMENT:

Palin has been allowing wolves and other endangered animals like whales to be hunter sience 2003

by shika November 4th at 11:33PM
14 Comments
October 14th at 5:04PM

The Presidential Debate "Energizing Your Base" Game

POSTED BY: Karen Lurie and Eric March and Dustin Chinn

The final presidential debate is upon us, and let's face it -- we're really beyond a drinking game by now, aren't we?

Everything has been building, building, building for so long that at this point, we just want the climax already. Yeah, you feel us. We're just animals, right? Aw, yeah. Political animals.

So, while drinking can (should?) certainly accompany the action, this game is about building to that climax. Although, we have a feeling you'll find this game just as frustrating as the debate itself:

If Either Candidate Says This: Do This with the Person to Your Left:
"First of all, I'd like to thank Hofstra University..."

 Eye Contact
"Maverick"

 Handshake
"Middle class"

 Firm Handshake
"He'll raise your taxes"

 Quick Peck on Cheek
"It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he doesn't get it"

 Brush of Hand on Thigh
"Miss Congeniality"

 Kiss (Mouth)
"Health care is a right, not a privilege"

 Tongue
"The fundamentals of our economy are strong"

 Over-Shirt Grope
"Yes, President Bush would make an excellent Commissioner of Baseball"

 Under-Shirt Grope
"Let me start with a shout-out to the Riz, T-Bone, the 785, Shortie K..."

 Hand-to-Gland Combat
"Those mouth-breathing, rust-munching, coal-fondlers in Ohio can kiss my ass. Ditto those tobacco-hawking Virginia douche-nozzles..."

 Nether-Region Suckery
"My friends, can I even tell you how hard I am right now?"

 "It"

Click here for a printable version!

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