Indecision2008 | Comedy Central

President Bush Hails Success of "No Child Left Behind" Since Nobody Else Will Apparently

Dennis DiClaudio — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:28:27 +0000

George Bush is finally getting the respect he so richly deserves for implementing his not-at-all-severely-flawed "No Child Left Behind" educational program. And from the President of the United States no less.

Very impressive!

President George W. Bush will tout the successes of his No Child Left Behind education reform and challenge Democrats not to weaken it, in one of his final speeches recapping his White House record...

Mr. Bush consistently cites the No Child Left Behind law as one of his biggest domestic accomplishments. But even this part of his legacy is under threat. Many Democrats have complained that the law is too rigid and punitive, and also hasn't been funded adequately. Even some Republicans have turned away from the law, viewing it as federal meddling in a matter that's best left up to local communities...

In his speech, he's expected to note that test scores have been rising around the country in recent years, while the achievement gap between white and minority students is closing, a senior administration official said. He'll "cite examples of various schools he's visited and people he's met, and how the law has made a difference at those schools and in the lives of those teachers and children," the official said.

And he'll conclude the whole thing by thanking himself, shaking his hand firmly, and then presenting himself with some kind of metal or mettle or medal or something. Something nice and shiny.

Congress Gets to Bottom of Professional Wrestling Controversy... Finally!

Dennis DiClaudio — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:16:13 +0000

Body Slams and Camel Clutches and Figure-Four Leglocks are not exactly words that usually pop to mind when considering life on Capitol Hill--

On second thought, I take that back.

Regardless, while reading through my regular coterie of politically-minded blogs this afternoon, I wasn't expecting to come across a discussion of the technical skills of Hulk Hogan and what it takes to make it in the WWE on Swampland...

With no real fanfare, Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Calif., has finished up his investigation of steroids in professional wrestling. (Yep, it's a problem.)... But the steroid stuff is not really the most interesting part. In his effort to rid the nation of steroid abuse, Waxman has incidentally created a great historical treasure trove, one of the most comprehensive pictures ever produced of the fascinating, exhilarating, often-nasty and always-elusive professional wrestling business...

Then there is this, my favorite nugget from what I have read so far--from an interview with Stephanie McMahon, the daughter of Vince and the person in charge of talent relations and creative writing...

"If you walk out on stage and nobody cares and you don't have any presence, you are never going to be a main-event guy. But if you walk out and you make the people notice you, you can be a main-event guy. You really don't even have to be a good wrestler. Hulk Hogan was a terrible wrestler, and he still is... I am sure he would disagree with that. I forget this is all public. But, you know, he was. He was a terrible wrestler. But what an incredible psychologist and what an incredible charismatic person. There is no denying Hulk Hogan is one of the biggest stars in the history of our business and will always be perceived as such. But he was not a great wrestler, not a great technician."

Ya know, I guess you can kinda say the same thing about Harry Reid.

Except without the "charismatic" or "biggest stars" parts.

Mad Magazine: Barack Obama's First 100 Minutes - EXCLUSIVE

Dennis DiClaudio — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:24:46 +0000

As Barack Obama prepares to take office in less than two weeks -- still seems like an eternity, doesn't it? -- There's been a lot of talk about how he'll spend, and what he'll achieve, during his first 100 days in office.

Even though he's warned against expecting miracles during that time period and has tried in vain to consider instead his fist 1,000 days in office (yeah, right), the speculation does not end.

Mad Magazine has a different question: What will Barack Obama achive during his first 100 minutes in office?

In an exclusive timetable that they've been kind enough to exclusively share with us exclusively, they break that initial hour and forty minutes down. Here's a sampling of their findings...

Minutes 1-2: Round up Michelle and kids, give finger to Bush and Cheney, head to Oval Office

Minute 3: Remove stupid flag pin from lapel

Minutes 10-13: Sneak out to Rose Garden for a quick smoke

Minute 25: Go on Facebook; put out a friend request to Ahmadinejad (with no preconditions)

Minute 26: Remind Biden to "shut his f*#king cakehole"

Minutes 45-48: Sneak out to Rose Garden for a quick smoke

Minutes 65-67: Delete "private" Scarlett Johansson photos before surrendering Blackberry to Secret Service

Minutes 91-99: Do a little blow

Read the whole thing here...

Barack Obama Delivers Major Speech on Upcoming Economic Apocalypse

Dennis DiClaudio — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:02:40 +0000

This morning, President-elect Barack Obama gave a speech that was clearly intended for the new Congress' ears -- but that the rest of us were invited to listen in on -- in which he told them that they'd better take immediate action on his proposed "throw a shitload of money at the economy and hope it does something" plan. Or else...

"If nothing is done, this recession could linger for years. The unemployment rate could reach double digits," he said...

Obama said his plan will immediately help jumpstart the economy by doubling the production of alternative energy within three years, improving the efficiency of federal buildings and homes, computerizing medical records, equipping schools with 21st century classrooms, expanding broadband across the country and investing in science and new technologies.

Hmmmm... Sounds, um, expensive. What exactly do you think this'd be costing American taxpayers?

The president-elect said the cost of his plan would be "considerable" and would "certainly add to the budget deficit in the short term." He did not put a price tag on the stimulus package, but observers have estimated it would cost about $800 ~~million~~ billion.

I can remember a time when $800 million would have seemed "considerable" to me. But, I don't know, after watching Congress sign multi-hundred billion dollar checks for banks and auto companies, that figure is somehow failing to give me much pause.

~~Besides, I live in New York, and that's probably about what people will be paying for two bedroom apartments in Manhattan in a couple years.~~

Mary pointed out to me that the correct number should be "billion," not "million." I guess CNN got that figure wrong, and then I -- stupidly -- quoted it without question. As Mary noted to me, this does say something about how weird our association with monetary figures has gotten recently. As she wrote to me...

I read that and was like "$800 million? Why are we even discussing this?"

So, my mistake. I apologize. And it'll be at least a few more years before apartment rates rise up into the billions in Manhattan.

Joe the Plumber Fights for Sixteen Minutes in a War Zone

Mary Phillips-Sandy — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:31:33 +0000

Who knew plumbers were so multitalented? Why, since we met him in October, Joe the Plumber has claimed to be starting a charity, writing a book, running for Congress and launching a country music career. Oh, he also shilled digital TV converters and equated an Obama administration with "the death of Israel."

Now we can add another fake title to Rep. Joe the Charitable Plumber Author Foreign Policy Expert Billy Ray $40 Coupon's fake credentials: Joe the War Reporter.

And since he's proven himself capable of pronouncing the word Israel, guess where he's going...

Wurzelbacher will travel to Israel to report for the conservative website, pjtv.com. He intends to get the, often lost, Israeli reason for the offensive against Hamas.

"It's tragic, I mean it really is. I don't say that in any little way. It's very tragic, but at the same time what are the Israeli people suppose to do," says Wurzelbacher.

What, indeed? Surely Wurzelbacher will be able to clear this pesky clog in the world's pipes; it's been backing up the Middle East for ages.

Thousands have died in the fighting. Joe knows the danger is very real, but believes his civic duty is once again calling him to do something bigger than himself. "Being a Christian I'm pretty well protected by God I believe. That's not saying he's going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance."

Yes, you do, Joe the Christian Plumber Reporter. You do have to take that chance.

Of course, Jews and Muslims haven't been having much luck with mortars over there, but it's probably just them.

Stephen Colbert Supports a Blanket Statute of Limitations

TheInDecider — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 08:32:43 +0000

Barack Obama wants to relax the time limit you can file a lawsuit for discrimination, but Stephen suggests any event more than six months in the past did not happen.

Where do you stand on the bill to relax the six-month statute of limitations?

The Daily Show Team Spies on the Obama Girls

TheInDecider — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 08:31:28 +0000

Wyatt Cenac, Samantha Bee and John Oliver get the real information on the Obama girls' first day of school by going undercover.

Has the rest of the media crossed the line by following the girls so closely?

Canadian Conspiracy to Keep Barack Obama from Blair House? Indecision Exclusive!

Mary Phillips-Sandy — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 19:45:49 +0000

It's a longstanding tradition for presidents-elect to move into Blair House, a mansion across the street from the White House, five days before the inauguration.

This year a minor scandal ensued when Barack Obama asked to move in a few weeks early to accommodate his daughters' school schedule. "Uh, no," said the Bush administration, citing "guests" who were "booked" at the mansion in January. Awkward! So Obama and his family have been relegated to some cheap motel called the Hay-Adams, where they are living on Toblerone and seltzer from the mini-fridge.

Today the mystery Blair House guest was revealed: it's Australian Prime Minister John Howard. Call me Bob Woodwardette, but I smell a conspiracy.

Let's review what we know...

* This fall reports surfaced that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper stole a speech about Iraq... from Australian Prime Minister John Howard.

* Then Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper went rogue and shut down his government.

* Now all of a sudden Australian Prime Minister John Howard is occupying the president-elect's residence.

* And on Monday a mysterious maple syrup odor blanketed New York City.

There you have it! This thing goes deep. Real deep. And remember, if the mainstream media outlets overlook this bombshell, it's because they've been infiltrated by the Canadians.

It's been known to happen. They're stealthy and they look just like us.

Barack Obama Meets with Important American Presidents of Past (and Jimmy Carter)

Dennis DiClaudio — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 19:17:59 +0000

Today, President-elect Barack Obama met with all three living presidents of note in what will soon be his new working office.

And Jimmy Carter was there, too...

So the nation's living and future presidents assembled in the Oval Office for a family photo before lunch in the private dining room of the White House. The five men stood side-by-side and close together in front of Bush's desk. President Bush looked at Obama several times as he spoke and Obama nodded his head. They shook hands...

"I want to thank the president-elect for joining the ex-presidents for lunch,'' Bush said. "And one message that I have and I think we all share is that we want you to succeed...

"I just want to thank the president for hosting us,'' Obama said. "This is an extraordinary gathering. All the gentlemen here understand both the pressures and possibilities of this office, and for me to have the opportunity to get advice, good counsel and fellowship with these individuals is extraordinary and I'm very grateful to all of them."

Presumably, to Jimmy Carter as well.

Jeb Bush Smart Enough to Not Seek Senate Seat in Florida

Dennis DiClaudio — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 17:33:29 +0000

It's interesting to imagine what the world would be like today if, in 1994, Jeb Bush -- whose brain is speculated to function about as well as his father's and who is widely believed to mostly believe that science is a thing that exists in the world -- had been successfully elected as the governor of Florida.

It very likely would have been him, instead of his older brother George, who would have run for president in 2001, and it seems unlikely that he would have made nearly the same decisions had he been elected. Nor that he would have steered his party down quite the same path of bipartisan implosion.

Now, a lot of people in the GOP -- uneasy with the idea of getting behind a Mike Huckabee or a Sarah Palin in 2012 -- are hoping for a do-over. And the best way to facilitate that would be to seat the elder Bush brother in a prominent role, such as in the Senate in 2010.

But that just ain't gonna happen...

Former Gov. Jeb Bush of Florida said Tuesday that he would not run in 2010 for the Senate seat being vacated by Mel Martinez, ending speculation about whether he could renew the Bush brand from Congress.

The decision, less than a month after Mr. Martinez, a Republican, announced his plan to retire, surprised some supporters. Local fund-raisers; Mr. Bush’s brother President Bush; and his father, former President George Bush, all encouraged him to enter the race, predicting he would re-energize the Republican Party. But in a statement, Mr. Bush said they would have to wait.

"While the opportunity to serve my state and country during these turbulent and dynamic times is compelling,” he said, “now is not the right time to return to elected office."

No, now is probably not the right time to parade the ol' Bush brand around the American electorate. They really give people a sufficient amount of time to forget the disasters wrought upon them by the last Bush presidency.

And, in the meantime, Jeb can start preparing for when the time is right.

I'd suggest he look into this cryogenic freezing agency. I've heard good things.