Results for ‘Elizabeth Dole’:

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October 24th at 3:53PM

It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles - North Carolina

POSTED BY: Dylan and Ethan Ris

As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes desoles, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…

North Carolina's Key Players

* Former Senator John Edwards: Was talked up as a potential Obama running-mate, given that Americans prefer their Democrats Southern, smooth-talking, and unfaithful to their wives.

* Former NBA star Michael Jordan, who decided to make an endorsement after it was revealed that Republicans no longer wear sneakers.

* Deceased Republican Senator Jesse Helms: His will states that if North Carolina ever votes for a black man, his body is to be exhumed and reburied in the Soviet Union.

Obama's Constituency

* Gay tobacco farmers.

* The N.C. State Wolfpack, who fear Sarah Palin's wrath.

* Liberals who "hate real Americans that work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God."

McCain's Constituency

* Proud Asheville residents who are pretty sure that one of McCain's seven homes is in their town.

* Senator Elizabeth Dole, who registered to vote in North Carolina during her two-week vacation to the state in 2006.

* Racists.

Predicted Winner: John McCain

When NASCAR speaks, North Carolina listens.

Check out more Swing State profiles here!

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LAST COMMENT:

Tony, first of all your a MORONIC ASSHOLE who we are glad to be rid of. Next We burnt John Mc Caint's house to the ground in Asheville before the foundation was laid. Viva Ash Vegas, VIVA OBAMA

by gaines November 4th at 9:01PM
12 Comments
August 19th at 5:18PM

More Republicans Busy Washing Their Hair During RNC

POSTED BY: Dylan Ris

Call it mob mentality. Kansas Sen. Pat Roberts has joined the list of Republicans skipping their party's convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul on account of a tight re-election campaign.

Roberts is the sixth big name Republican to dis John McCain on his special night, thus making this a full-blown trend -– one that threatens to become as popular as taking money from Jack Abramoff was in 2004!

Here's a rundown of who's ducked out so far...

Kansas Sen. Pat Roberts
Wound up campaigning in the wrong Minneapolis this past week.

Maine Sen. Susan Collins
Will be hosting a talk radio gossip show on the topic of John Edwards's alleged illegitimate daughter.

Oregon Sen. Gordon Smith
Given that he's now running desperate TV ads featuring Barack Obama and John Kerry, he may try to sneak into the Democratic convention instead.

Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens
Hedging his bets that he'll already be in jail by then.

North Carolina Sen. Elizabeth Dole
Still bitter when it comes to the topic of presidential nominations.

Vice President Dick Cheney
Numerous daytime events and possible exposure to garlic in the catering spreads make the convention a mortal danger for him.

That's six prominent Republicans down and there's still two weeks 'til the convention. I just hope Joe Lieberman has a lot of material prepared.

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