Results for ‘Iowa’:

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September 26th at 5:27PM

John McCain: Can't Debate Tonight, Must Save Child From Giant Lizard

POSTED BY: Dennis DiClaudio

John McCain's having a really busy couple of days. After already canceling tonight's debate twice -- once to fix the U.S. economy with his bare hands and then to save a poor little kitten stuck in a tree -- he's just been forced to cancel the debate again!

This time -- according to my super-secret inside sources -- it's because he just received news by carrier pigeon that some 12-year-old kid in DesMoines, Iowa is having trouble completing his homework assignment on dinosaurs. So, obviously, he was forced to summon a giant falcon from the heavens to carry him across the country in its talons.

So, sorry, guys. No debate tonight. But you wouldn't want Petey Brescher to get a failing grade, would you?

Update: Crisis averted!

My sources tell me that once McCain eyeballed that he was directly over the Breschers' DesMoines home, he wrenched his way from the giant falcon's grasp and freefell 33 miles through the troposphere before out-turning his suit jacket to use as a parachute.

He drifted safely into the family's chimney, lept from the fireplace and dashed into Petey's bedroom, where the grade-schooler was scratching his head, trying to make sense of the difference between a brontosaurus and an apatosaurus.

McCain explained to the boy that the two are actually the same pre-historic species, just having undergone a name-change in the past few years.

However, only moments later -- while teaching the boy the proper way to hold a football -- McCain's ultra-sensitive nose detected trace amounts of carbon monoxide in the air. So, he inhaled as hard as he could and sucked all of the hazardous air out of the house and blew it into the face of two masked burglars who happened to be breaking in to murder the family at that very moment.

Having no time to collect the family's appreciation, he warped space with his mind and made his way to the debate in Mississippi.

So, the debate's back on!

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LAST COMMENT:

Sarah Palin says she knows all about foreign policy because she is so close to Russia. Will someone for God's sake put that woman close to an ATM so she will know all about our economy. The power of osmosis is great in that one. Maybe Sarah Beehive can save the economy like she did Alaska and the governor to nowhere.

by Longriders September 29th at 4:15PM
4 Comments
September 25th at 12:32PM

We'll See Sen. Charles Grassley on the Dark Side of the Moon

POSTED BY: Dylan Ris

It was Pink Floyd who famously sang...

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I'll see you on the Senate Floor to debate tax legislation.

Words taken to heart by Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA), who, according to Capitol Hill's Roll Call, managed to frame a debate over the alternative minimum tax with references to Floyd as well "Dude Where's My Car? "...

Grassley... stood before a blown-up poster of the Pink Floyd album cover, which features a large prism against a celestial background with a beam of light passing through it...

The Iowan was trying somehow to say that the prism image was a metaphor for the compromise Republicans and Democrats should make on tax legislation...

Grassley was on a roll with the stoner allusions, including a glance at the 2000 movie "Dude, Where's My Car? " starring Iowa native Ashton Kutcher, which follows the travails of two potheads who can't remember where, um, they left their car.

"If you do see anyone else driving my car, please call the police, because someone has stolen my car," he said. "I'd like to refer to Ashton Kutcher here, from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, saying 'dude, where's my car?'"

A staffer changed the sign behind Grassley to a scene from the flick.

Given that Grassley is, by his own description, "not of course a big fan of rock music... its lyrics and its culture," this sounds like the greatest congressional staff prank since one of Rep. Mark Foley's pages tricked the him into believing he was a professional online hooker.

And let's hope it's not the last time a politician uses state pride to humiliate himself on the Senate Floor. May we all live to see the day when Buffalo Rep. Brian Higgins (D-NY) projects album Cannibal Corpse album covers to note the band's origin in his district, and Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) quotes lines from her home state's classic film Up and Cummers 46.

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